Wednesday, June 15, 2011


I'd like to turn over a new leaf.

I often find that I lack the mental willpower to do something like that. As the years go by and I get older and slightly more disciplined I'm better able to carry on things for longer periods of time. I remember I was young when I started wearing a watch. Now I can't leave home without it. But still, though I am rigidly organized for many things and adhere to those standards, there are other basic flaws in my routine that contradict my idealized self. Well, they say you do something for 30 days, it becomes a habit. Maybe I can try something like that.

Long years of biting down on natural confidence (which as a child often manifested itself into an unattractive arrogance) have left me with an overall poor image of myself. I was told that bragging was social suicide; the extremist that I am, I took it the other way and drilled holes in my sculpture of self, leaving me a shell... only to go to college and find that confidence is valued above all else in making connections. The only things that prevent me from dropping into full blown depression are those things that I know I can do well, such as music, photography, Photoshop, math, physics, most things academic, most things computer related that aren't programming... These are the things that form my core, that still fuel my internal fire. It's a loose thread upon which I hang.

It's a feedback loop that causes this poor self image. I don't feel like I have the friends to support me and make me whole. Therefore, I have poor self image; but poor self image certainly doesn't attract friends, leaving me even more desolate than before.

I'd like to be a nicer person (although in some ways, I'm too nice - another problem). I'd like to be more confident. And I'd like to have more self esteem. But I myself have to man up and take control. What should I do? And more importantly, do I have the willpower to do that with myself?

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