Monday, June 20, 2011

Book the Second

When I finished my first year of college last year, I wrote a post about my experiences. Wide-eyed and enraptured at the virtuous expanse upon which I burst upon, merry and gleeful at living the long awaited dream, I finished the year contented.

A year, my sophomore year, has passed. I look back now upon this time and feel little else but desolation and frustration. The ones I once could barely stand to leave had now become distant. The group that gave me deep camaraderie has mutated, leaving me alone and a foul taste in my mouth. With them I once knew so well, I wonder if I had once been blind, or if the shift was in truth so sharp. My roommates, once the ones to work with me all night, retreated towards their newfound frat and left me yet more lost. The days dragged on, and darker grew the winter while I grew ever more detached. Even as I longed for belonging I lived a recluse's life, unable to leave the prison I had built (with others' help of course).

But it has not been all grim. My only solace was Varun. He remained, accepted me for all my oddities and ignored the rest that I called faults. His kindly nature was the single sign that I had not been wholly abandoned, and was my sole connection to the world that left me behind. Though I have not truly treated him as such a friend ought to be respected, it all fell in with well-meaning. For all that's left, I hope to make amends. With the spring came the glimmers of a future, a group that shared my interest in the workings of the universe. Six physics students who dreamt of paving the paths the world would later tread, pioneers of knowledge and understanding. With all the work we'd had to do, I found myself in frequent company of thinkers much like me. And then of course there were those girls, who valued me and what I said, who laughed when I made jokes and treated me as one of them, an equal, not a freak. I hope to see them all again, for I can feel my spirits rise when I am in their presence, and it becomes a chore for me to wipe a happy grin off my face.

In totality, however, the year was bleak. I spent too long alone, too long corrupted by the colder touch of my society. I lost some warmth this year, and came back more bitter for my trouble, which even my parents noted. Speak not of academics, which were fine - excepting one, my E&M, my transcript bore exclusively some type of A. It did not help, of course, that I lacked meaning in the lab at which I worked, and so grew flaky day by day. Although, I did accomplish some, but not enough. No, what lacked this year was the cream to fill the gaps, the time well spent with friends and the activity to fill my life with sport. My feelings with Dil Se degraded, and corresponding friendships demolished, and with little else to fill that void, no wonder I despaired.

I sigh with resignation, but retain a sliver of hope: This summer is a new adventure, across the seas in a new country. There I hope to live the life I lacked this year, to see some unfamiliar faces, to experience a different world. But this paradise is only there if I commit myself to living large. No retreats, no holding back. It's dorms all over again, but armed with the mistakes of two years, I pledge to make these weeks a memory I'll covet in the ages to come.
My first year post: Book the First

No comments: